||[Dec. 31st, 2003|10:55 pm]
Faces Peering in from a Neon Forest
crazy lost self. i'm spinning now at top speed, grounding myself only through songs on the spindle radio.|
broXXXXen self makes for good tales but bad relation. no wonder new years eve is spent all alone. i need a space to curl up in and implode. i'm taking out my innards and scanning them into my computrix so when i'm gone they can rebuild me and i can tell them how it all went horribly wrong.
voyeur/exhibitionist/sadist/masochist i dont know where one stops and one begins. i saw a cine before snowpains and it was the sweetsickest loverly story i'd ever heard of. i must be wholey hole-y throughout, i cant see why i'm still around. i find joys in the littlest things, but my orders keep repeating drugsarebadmkayyyyy. and i dont see why, i cant feel this normal way and have people like me, they all love me when i'm high of drunk or trippppppnnnnn or someother state. i'm passing through alternate consciousnesses like walking down stairs, and i cant decide where i want to be, except that i dont want to ever stop moving.
the latest of artwork on my body has completed. begun on a particularly nogood day, it's still "running into a dresser" to the extended family. purest feeling of robotrippping last night in a denver hotel lobby, running around talking on my phone instant messenger, smoking cigarettes and walking through the hallways at 1am, saw a couple people walking around, giving me odd looks. out of mind and out of sanity for the holidays, must get rabbit[clockwork orange] soon.
thank you mom and dad for your consistant dedication to my mental dishealth. if not for your care, i'd probably be quite sane at the moment. running out the window, jumping off a bridge, dropping a hairdryer into the bath tub, stabbing into my wrists with forks and knives, cutting out my eyes with glass shards. I SCREAMED FOR ADVIL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS ON THE PLANE, and got yelled at because my head was about to explode and i was asking for some medicine so i wouldn't have to feel it.
yelled at moving suitcase out of walkway, yelled at in car. just want to leave and make them happy. they hate me and yell at me when i'm sober, but are adamantly opposed to my becoming intoxicated, even though they like me better that way. i can't figure it out.
trying to slippppp into somewhere inbetween here and tomorrow. slide into the cracks between now and the future and never come back out. always one half of one half of a step in front of you, always feel you touching my back, breathing on my neck, but never catching up with me. pulling out of connectioning, wondering why i'm still breathing. going to take another bath and hope that nerves have come back to full sensitivity.
had the bestestestest fooodstuffs for lunch, but it all tasted like filthy ashes on my plate because i had come off of VICKS44 6oz for the price of 4oz SPECIAL 50% MORE OFFER LIMITED TIME ONLY FOR YOU IN THE CITYMARKET. Almost squealed in joy when i checked myself out in the self-checkout line, and giggled in self-pleasure glee as i realized that i could buy as much as i wanted. going to wear my stealingpantalonies tomorrow, maybe pick up a couple bottles of delsym and a couple bottles of tussin maxstrength. mixnmatch 12hour24hour suprrrrrrrr trypppppppps. goingto begin the new scratchpadbook mommy bought for me for xmass to write in, it looks very nice, she hasnt seen this writing stylestics though, and we wonders what she would say if she read of our exploits in the land of ROBOTIMEY.
She knows about the weeed, and I told her I was going to be spending my christmas money on a nice fat sack, but she doesnt approve of the shrooms, or the X, or the cid, the coke, the DXM, the other stuff that i take into my body and transports meinto external locales, where SERAtone levels reach up to normal levels, and split the feelings into two camps that argue over control of my left fingers. i feel magnificient when i'm on something, my greymattter cannot subsist on this substandard regular input- GIVE ME FATTY LIVER, BLOODY NOSES, BAD MEMORY AND FAILED DRUG TESTS, i donot even mind anymore. i'll take track marks up and down every artery and vein in my body if it would keep me from feeling as depressed as i do when i'm with my parents. DREINKSMOKEINJECT your pain away, oh my brother, drink that tasty moloko fortified with vitamins and minerales and hallucinogeneticists.
breaking apart into 38,548,797,236,263 pieces, spread out across the 11 dimensions of existence, dissipated by the solar winds. can you reassemble me into a new body? I would so very much like it if you would take me into you and cradle me like a newborn child. pet my scraggly hair, and wipe the tears that drip from my wide naive eyes down the red puffy cheeks and onto my soft belly. i want to crawl over to the couch, and climb onto grandpa's lap, and have him hold me and bounce me up and down on his leg like a horsey while we watch tv on the chocolate brown couch in their cabin outside redstone. they can tuck me into bed in a crib int eh loft, next o you mom and dad, back before you abandoned me, before i became the FUCKED up messed up misspent youth i am today. the product of a failure-prone education system, a pathetic foundation of religious malarky beliefs that end up leaving me sterile and laughed at. I ABANDON YOUR ATTEMPTS TO MAKE ME CHRISTIAN. I spit on your God, your belief in an afterlife, in a heaven and hell, it does not compute. I will not accept your opiate, will not be satiated by your primitive faith in a higher power. it's an excuse to be weak, and fail, when i need to be strong And fight back and claim what is mine. i do not want to be mollycoddled and bullied into making all my decisions in fear of a giant retaliatory hand slapping me across the head from the sky. It DOES NOT SATISFY ME.
now i take my leave of this place, i'm going to smoke a couple lungsfull of carcinogenic gasses, speeding me to that sweet early death. you all know where i can be found, my cellphone is back and working, so you can call, write, or instant message me, if i dont become so scared of these FILTHY MACHINES THAT I TURN THEM ALL OFF IN PROTEST TO THEIR DOMINION OVER MY EVERYDAY LIFE.
happy new year, fuckers, and dont forget to make your resolutions.